Is Humor Always Good?
Laughter is often said to be the best medicine for easing depression—and for good reason. The very word “humor” comes from the idea of emotional release. These days, humor is everywhere: it helps us unwind after work, keeps us scrolling through funny videos online, and even tops the list of what people look for in a romantic partner.
But here’s something you might not expect—within a marriage, humor can sometimes turn into a quiet weapon, one sharp enough to hurt a partner’s tender heart.
Analyzing survey data from 390 couples in the Greater Taipei area, Dr. Yuh-Huey Jou’s team identified four distinct humor interaction patterns among spouses:
- Husband jocosity and self-deprecating – Husbands frequently use witty or self-deprecating humor.
- Wife ridiculing and self-deprecating – Wives often employ sarcastic or self-deprecating remarks.
- Dual multiplicity – Both partners tend to use various types of humor quite often.
- Dual rarely use – Both partners rarely use humor of any kind.
Contrary to popular belief, the couples in the dual rarely use group actually reported the highest levels of marital satisfaction.
Next in line were couples where both partners used humor frequently, followed by those where the husband took the lead in using jocosity or self-deprecating jokes. On the other hand, couples in the wife ridiculing and self-deprecating group reported the lowest levels of marital satisfaction.
Even Dr. Jou, who led the study, was taken aback by the results. Isn’t humor supposed to be a good thing—something that brings people closer? Why would it sometimes make things worse instead?
What Kind of Humor Does Your Spouse Use?
Consider this: if you were Annie in Annie Hall, and your partner Alvy kept throwing sarcastic remarks at you every day, wouldn’t that get exhausting? Or maybe you’re more like Bumper in Pitch Perfect, who actually enjoys Fat Amy’s outrageous and offbeat humor. These characters may make us laugh on screen—but in real-life marriages, that kind of humor can quickly become a source of tension.
Psychologist Robert Sternberg introduced the Triangular Theory of Love in 1986, suggesting that love is composed of three essential elements: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Compared to dating, marriage typically brings deeper emotional closeness—and far more responsibilities. As couples move from the hazy glow of romance into the fluorescent reality of everyday life, even a casual comment can be interpreted in unexpected ways.
Humor is often well-intentioned. But whether it brings partners closer or drives them apart depends a great deal on how it is delivered—and whether the other person is in the right emotional space to receive it. In marriage, humor isn’t just about getting a laugh—it’s a form of emotional communication. And like any form of communication, its impact depends on timing, tone, and mutual understanding.
The way couples use humor—and why—can shape how their partner feels.
In the survey study, Dr. Jou’s team categorized the motivations behind the use of humor (that is, why someone chooses to be humorous) into three kinds:
- Altruistic – to create a joyful atmosphere or entertain others.
- Self-interested – to cope with stress or situations, or to gain praise.
- Relational – to strengthen the relationship or reduce interpersonal tension.
They also broke down the types of humor used (that is, how humor is expressed) into three categories:
- Self-deprecating – using oneself as the target of the joke.
- Ridiculing – making others, often one’s spouse, the target of the joke.
- Jocosity – using wordplay, puns, or playful language as the joke’s focus.
Among 390 married couples surveyed in the Greater Taipei area, the most common pattern of humor was wife ridiculing and self-deprecating (35.1%). This was followed by a tie between husband jocosity and self-deprecating (25.4%) and dual multiplicity (25.1%). The least common pattern was dual rarely use (14.4%).
Interestingly, the majority of spouses reported using humor for altruistic reasons—to create a lighter atmosphere, entertain friends, or improve their social interactions. Surprisingly, relational motivations were much less common. This suggests that when couples joke with each other, they are often doing so for the benefit of others or the mood of the moment, rather than with the explicit intention of strengthening their own relationship.
Graph by AS Researchers Tell (source from Yuh-Huey Jou)
When asked about feelings of satisfaction and regret in marriage, spouses in the wife ridiculing and self-deprecating group reported the lowest satisfaction and highest regret. In contrast, couples in the dual rarely use group reported the highest satisfaction and the least regret.
These findings challenge a common assumption: humor doesn’t always lead to better marital quality. In fact, when wives frequently use sarcastic or self-deprecating humor, it may have a negative effect on the relationship.
Graph by AS Researchers Tell (source from Yuh-Huey Jou)
Is a Wife’s Humor a Problem?
But really—has no woman ever been loved for her humor?
Dr. Jou’s findings echo those of Crawford (2003). According to her data, husbands consistently showed stronger motivation to use humor and engaged in humorous behavior more frequently than wives. Social norms often associate joke-telling, clowning, and self-mockery with masculinity, reinforcing gendered expectations about who is “allowed” to be funny.
Dr. Jou recalls that during interviews, one young husband openly stated: “I don’t want my wife to be the one telling jokes. Playing the fool and making people laugh—that should be my job.”
Cultural values and social expectations continue to shape how humor is perceived between husbands and wives in Taiwan—often in subtle but powerful ways. Traditional ideals such as “a gentleman must be solemn to earn respect” or “a woman must remain dignified” still linger beneath the surface. Because of these ingrained beliefs, many couples may feel it’s safer to avoid humor altogether—or assume that if jokes are to be made, it’s more “appropriate” for the husband, not the wife, to take the lead.
Dr. Jou and her research team uncovered another revealing pattern. As shown in the chart, regardless of the humor style used, husbands consistently report a higher level of marital fulfillment than wives. This raises a timely and important question: “In contemporary Taiwanese society, does marriage still serve men better than women?”
Graph by AS Researchers Tell (source from Yuh-Huey Jou)
Respect: Be a Supportive Teammate
Dr. Jou emphasizes one thing above all:
Mutual respect is the cornerstone of using humor in marriage.
Sarcastic remarks like “You useless old man” or “What a mistake it was marrying you” may be framed as jokes, but they’re often hostility in disguise—and deeply hurtful. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, or assuming something is funny without considering your partner’s feelings, can cause real damage.
Over the years, Dr. Jou has interviewed hundreds of couples and uncovered a consistent truth: people may marry for different reasons, but lasting marriages are built on a growing foundation of mutual respect.
“Most couples don’t really know where their partner’s boundaries are,” she notes. That’s why it’s essential to talk openly about what topics are off-limits—and once those lines are drawn, to respect them. It may not make love bloom overnight, but it does help keep the dust from rising.
Photo by AS Researchers Tell
As poet Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote:
“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.” —Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet, 1904 (trans. Stephen Mitchell)
These are words every couple would do well to keep close to heart.
When a wife steps forward for love and breaks through traditional expectations by using humor—whether for altruistic, self-serving, or relational reasons—her husband should offer support, become a true teammate, set aside outdated stereotypes, and join her in the shared work of marital interaction. At the same time, wives may benefit from choosing their humor style wisely, favoring playful wit and steering away from sarcasm or self-deprecation, which can easily backfire.
How humor is used in a marriage can make a real difference. The interplay between why humor is used and how it is expressed reflects the distinctive patterns of couple dynamics in Taiwan. While traces of patriarchy still shape who holds the humor privilege, Dr. Jou notes that “family harmony” remains a core value deeply cherished in Taiwanese society.
If both partners make the effort to respect one another, use humor with care, and strive for genuine understanding, then tomorrow morning is far more likely to begin with a warm breakfast—whether it’s made by the wife or the husband.
